Back and Forth

I got this mom of two thing. How hard can it be? Lots of people have two kids and handle it just fine.

I can’t do this. I am not meant to be a mama. I am too selfish, too tired, and too overwhelmed. Nothing is done 100%. The kitchen is dirty. There is laundry to be folded. We need to go to Target, Costco and Whole Foods.

Why are you freaking out? Life is pretty good…two healthy kids, a husband who loves you, roof over your head and job you are passionate about.

What about food? We have to eat healthy. I need to menu plan. I need to make sure we have fruit in the house. Brady needs a meal each night. McDonalds is not okay. Brady needs a winter coat, hat, mittens and boots. Cate needs warmer sleepers. What if my own clothes don’t fit? What if I have to buy all new stuff because the baby weight doesn’t come off like it did last time?

I can totally swing this. Target was a success today. Sleep is for the weak. You can do this. You have already done this once and you survived.

How will I get out of the house? Bottles, pump, coats, hats, mittens, school bags, sippy cups, snacks, lunch, diaper bag, change of clothes, workout clothes…there is just no way. I hate driving in the rain and snow. Now, with them in the car, it is going to worse.

Brady is getting older. His needs are becoming less and less. Cate is a baby not a bomb.

What about me? What about the gym? What about my friends? Me time? What about what I want to do? How come I always feel like I am coming in last? What about my marriage? When can we nurture that? Get back to where we were before our kids came first?

You have two amazing sets of grandparents, two siblings and more friends than you can ask for who are willing to help at a moment’s notice and would be happy too.

Brady is so sad. Cate is fussy. What am I not doing right? How can I fix this? When will he realize we did this for him? When will this get easier? When will the routine settle in?

Cate is peacefully in her crib sleeping for the first time this morning. Brady has been sleeping through the night again and has been such a good boy. You all ate dinner together last night. He squealed as Glenn chased him through the house. He kissed Cate before going to bed and said "nigh nigh"

"You become a miserable person at night"

"In my house we call those first six weeks CRAZY TOWN"

"No woman should be held responsible for anything she says the first three months"

Back and Forth. Back and Forth. Back and Forth.

What You Want to See...Cate

It has been a while since I have posted. I want to write but right now there are just some things like my kids and my husband and sleep that are taking priority.

I have started at least five blog posts and each one begins with me talking about something different related to life and where we are right now.

I could write posts upon posts about how tired I am and how quickly I have been reminded of what happens when you have lack of sleep and how much it affects you.

I could write about how awesome Brady has been as a big brother even with a wicked cold, which I will shortly.

I could touch on how the recovery while I think easier this time has been so challenging when you have a 35+ pound toddler.

Or I could talk about some of the anxiety I have felt in these first few weeks as navigate being a mama of two, a wife, and someone who will return to a full time job sooner than I would like to think about.

All of these things are worthy of their own posts. I need to write about everything above and be honest about all of the things going on in our life and the struggles I am having.

But today, on this gorgeous fall day, I will leave you with pictures of baby Cate. My sweet two week old who has taught me that love does not stop at one and that there truly is such a thing as love at first sight.

You Capture- Peace

We will become a family four tomorrow. Most people who read this are probably tired of reading about my fears, anxiety, sadness, excitement and my overall emotional state at this stage of my pregnancy. For every minute of each day that I spent thinking about how amazing it will be to welcome our daughter in to this world, I spent more minutes of the day feeling a guilt that rocks my core, brings tears to my eyes, crushes my heart and leaves me with thoughts that I don't think anyone could understand.

On Sunday, I didn't care where we were, I wanted to make sure my camera was around my neck capturing the last few moments of my first as an only. As I type this today, the tears flow as I look at these images on my screen. He is where I find peace. He is where I look when I need to be calmed. He is the best of me. He is the best of my husband.

Peaceful. He is so happy, so content, and so steady. His world will be rocked tomorrow and hopefully someday he will realize it was rocked for the better. Sunday was about him. It was about taking some deep breaths, watching him and finding peace in the little things he did that I witnessed as his mama.

Watching the bicyclists and waving

Mesmerized by the action in the West Loop

The slide at the park. His happy place.

I am linking up with Beth Fletcher an amazing Chicago area photographer to show you where I found peace this week. Hopefully, if we figure it out she will be shooting newborn pictures for us in the next two weeks.

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Side note: A lot of people ask me on twitter, in the comments and on Facebook about Brady's clothes so just as an FYI he is all Boden in these pictures. Love me some Boden but love the little guy more.

Au revoir as a mama to one. Bonjour to a mama of two.

Mornings Like These...

When Brady has been up five times during the night because either his two year molars are busting through or he has what we suspect is croup I think about this picture. As I yawn through the morning, I think about this place. This moment. This day. This picture sums us up. No questions asked.



My absolute favorite wedding picture. Me, him, and a moment. Truly a moment when there was nothing but two people starting their lives together.

Now, I will find some coffee and snuggle my toddler and stare at my large stomach thinking how much things have changed in the past four years.

An Update on My First

In just a few short weeks, less than four, our family will grow. And while we are excited to have a a baby girl joining us, I don't want to lose sight of my first. He is changing and growing all too fast for me. I think as a mama sometimes you get so caught up in the day to day and forget about the remarkable transformation that takes place in such a short amount of time in a child. S0, I thought I would give you a comparison of Brady on the couch at 2 months and 22 months.



I am soaking up every smile, giggle, tear and moment with him because shortly there will be more of us, more to do, and unfortunately less time since I return to school next week. This kid, he melts me. He has my heart exploding with love like I never thought possible. He is fiercely protective of us, so serious and so silly all at the same time. He is 100% ours.

Brady

loves to say mama and dada

runs at a speed that is terrifying to me

gives the best hugs in each morning when he runs in to our room to wake us up

can't seem to stop playing with vehicles- trucks, ambulances, fire trucks, police cars, and just about anything else that has wheels

says "oh look or oh no" at least 100 times a day

watches "The Wiggles" "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" and "Toy Story"

actually gets sad and whimpers when someone else is sad or you tell him someone is sad

can rough house with his dad for hours

loves to be airborne- whether it's in a swing or it is being thrown in the air

will help with anything we are doing from setting the table to sweeping the floor

could play in the water with buckets and shovels all day

wears 18-24 months or 2T depending on the brand

wears size 9 shoes

and size 5 diapers

He is my first, my son and soon to be my oldest.

My Biggest Fear and Mother's Guilt

For the past 22 months, probably even longer, life in my household has been about him. In every breath I find myself thinking about him, worrying about him, smiling at him or telling someone how in love I am with him.

And now, there is another baby who is going to be here in less than three weeks and the same thoughts keep creeping in my head, "Is there enough love? Do I have the capacity to love two the same? Is there enough depth in my heart to love completely, fully and will I be able to show both of them how much I love them? How can I possibly explain to him that he is my first born and no one will ever have the place in my heart? How I can tell him that giving him a sibling is one of the greatest gifts I could give him? How do I make sure he feels special and knows that his mama loves him no less because his sister came in this world?"

There are days that I think he could have been enough. He brings me that much joy and I so consumed with loving him, nurturing him, protecting him, and teaching him that I can't figure out how another one fits. These are the days that I think I am being selfish for wanting another and that I didn't think about him, his needs and his life.

But, I know that this baby will complete us. That these emotions, thoughts and fears while real are irrational and will disappear the moments our eyes meet her. It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make my guilt disappear. It doesn't make my tears disappear when think about how much change he will have to adapt to in a few short weeks. Most of all, it doesn't make me love him less. It makes me love him more.

Summer Social- If I Had to Start My Blog Over...

If I Had To Start Over With My Blog I Would Change…

When I say this sentence in my head, my first response is “lots of thing”. The next time I say it, my response is “a couple of things”. Then the third time, I think “not a dang thing”. The blogging world is HUGE. I am just starting to understand that. I am just starting to realize who and what I want to be as a blogger.

In all honesty, if I had to start over, I wouldn't necessarily change a whole lot. I started blogging for family and friends to able to read about our journey as we became first time parents. I think I have accomplished that. However, upon further reflection, here are some things 2 years later that I wish I would have known or changed as time has moved forward.

1. I would have instantly had someone design my blog. I waited almost a year and it was such a nice face lift and overdue.
2. I would have learned more about Photoshop and made sure that I watermarked my images. This is something I need to still do. I hate that when I post a pic on my blog that I have no clue where it is going or who is using it.
3. I wish I would take the time to understand the not so glamorous side of blogging. I keep looking at published posts and know I need to resize pictures to make them bigger but I never just take the time to learn this because I keep telling myself I am going to make the move to wordpress. I swear, I have read how to do it and I just don’t do it. Why? I don’t know but I know it would make my blog look better. I know I need to understand the behind the scenes part of blogging using things like Google Analytics etc… My excuse if I can call it that is time. Between being a working mama, a husband with his own business and #2 coming in a few short weeks, I just can’t bring myself to do this stuff. Writing this makes me realize that I am lazy and need to get on it.
4. Selfishly, I wish I felt confident enough to blog about other things that I like to talk about such as fashion and fitness. I just think that people who do read my blog would think that was weird since they are so use to reading about our family.
5. I would change how frequently and set up posts. I post when I have time. A lot of time I have posts written in my head and I just don’t get them down on the web. I wish I forced myself in to a schedule. I love schedules and I think it would be good for me to have one with blogging. Each week I think about doing a pinterest post with cool things I have found and I don’t. But, I am starting to realize that if I did it consistently people might not only appreciate it, but they would look forward to it.
6. Lastly, I wish I would have bought my own domain and spent some time thinking about the name of my blog! I know I can change it and people won’t care but I just wish I would have thought this through carefully to make sure I like it and would stick with whatever I decided on.

Now, that I have written this hold me to these things. I am going to make changes this year. I really am…if I can find the time.